A south-west victim of clergy sex abuse believes he is doomed to die a lonely old man.
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The victim of defrocked Warrnambool priest Paul David Ryan delivered a chilling impact statement during a Melbourne County Court hearing on Thursday.
Ryan, now of Western Australia, was shuffled from parish to parish across the south-west under former Bishop of Ballarat Ronald Mulkearns, abusing children wherever he went.
He pleaded guilty in March to three offences, involving the indecent assault of a child under the age of 16 in Warrnambool in 1981, the oral sexual penetration of a teenager at a school camp in 1985 and an indecent act with a child under the age of 16 in Ararat in 1992.
The south-west victim recalled that psychiatrist David Wiesman asked about his future following the court case against Ryan, who is now aged 70.
"My reply was simple: I will die a lonely old man," the victim said.
You survive a bushfire, a flood or a car crash. You don't survive sexual abuse. It stays with you forever. I am, in fact, damaged for life. For me there's no healing.
- A victim of defrocked Warrnambool priest Paul David Ryan
The key victim on Thursday said he told Bishop Mulkearns about being abused by Ryan when he considered joining the priesthood.
"The only 'what if' I have in life is this: I told Bishop Mulkearns about my abuse in the early 1990s," he said.
"I trusted him to do something. To my knowledge he did nothing.
"It's been well documented that a boy from Ararat (a Ryan abuse victim) killed himself after this.
"If I had gone to the police, instead of Bishop Mulkearns, that boy may still be alive. I apologise to him and to his family. I let you down and I will carry that anguish forever."
The victim said he was raised a Catholic and trusted members of the clergy, but that trust was abused by Ryan.
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He said since being abused he had struggled to find happiness, had never let anyone get close because he could get hurt.
"I'm lucky I suppose, for I have nothing of value relationship-wise, therefore I can't let anybody down or bring them into my world," he said.
"Friendships are few and far between, as I can't let people too close for fear they may know the full extent of my secret or my pain. That cannot happen under any circumstance .... not even my parents."
The victim said he had dark thoughts, suffered depression, alcohol abuse, post traumatic stress, was anxious in confronting situations and constantly relived his nightmare of abuse.
He said he was scared of enclosed spaces like shops where people waited to be served, even in bakeries.
"I hate people behind me breathing on the back of my neck," he said.
The victim said he strongly disliked the term survivor.
"I am a victim of sexual abuse, but I am not a survivor," he said.
"You survive a bushfire, a flood or a car crash. You don't survive sexual abuse. It stays with you forever. I am, in fact, damaged for life. For me there's no healing.
"For me there's no medication that can dim the pain. For me there's no quick fix. For me there is no cure."
The plea hearing before Judge Susan Pullen will lead to a sentencing hearing in coming weeks.
Former Warrnambool police detective Colin Ryan's investigation in 2006 led to Paul Ryan's first criminal conviction for molesting two altar boys at Penshurst.
"My investigation showed that Paul David Ryan was sponsored into the seminary by Bishop of Ballarat Ronald Mulkearns, knowing he had a history of being kicked out of the Adelaide seminary," he said.
"Bishop Mulkearns was advised Paul David Ryan should not be admitted and yet he was sponsored, continued through the seminary and went on to offend against children."
Abuse allegations were made even before Ryan was ordained as a priest in 1976 and almost everywhere he worked - from Ballarat to Warrnambool, Terang, Penshurst and Ararat - until he was removed from the priesthood in 1993.
He was defrocked only a couple of years ago.
A poem from a victim of defrocked Warrnambool priest Paul Ryan:
Where is the spark that turns on the light?
Where is the blow that kick starts the fight?
As I lie motionless on my bed
Accompanied by my two friends bourbon and loneliness
The haze of darkness turns into storm clouds
As depression pats sympathetically at my door
Where is the spark that turns on the light?
Where is the blow that kick starts the fight?
I walk in busy places but I'm not seen
For I walk in the shadows of gloom
As I retreat to my space where things are a sham
For my spirit is broken and my heart weak
Where is that light? Where is that fight?
Fate is in my hands
Destiny is mine to throw away
As my thoughts are deafened by the roar of silence
I walk a lonely road for the journey is an exhausting trek
You don't get sick of fighting; you just get sick of the fight
Where is the spark that turns on the light?
Where is the blow that kick starts the fight?
The light is out
The fight lost
I am done
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